This serves no particular purpose, aside from the venting of spleens and such.

Things people say that I really really REALLY hate...

'So how've you been then?'
'Oh, its all on my livejournal'
'Fabulous. Well done. I'll just go and find someone else to talk to whose capable of forming coherent sentences then shall I?'

‘We have a deep spiritual connection’. Personally my most meaningful connection is with my left hand.* You’re a sales technician from Swansea with a penchant for comedy ties who thinks Little Britain is just the funniest thing since syphilis, I’m an archivist from Shetland whose idea of a hilarious joke is ‘hahaha, look at the one legged midgets…just look at them limp!’. Really, the similarity is uncanny when you think about it. And when I say I like ‘em literate, that doesn’t mean ‘dost thou desire me to wank on thine tits?’ is going to work. So stop it. How did you even get my msn anyway you pointless little shit?

* its my wanking hand, case you’re slow and didn’t get that. And yes I’m a witch, just you try and burn me. Also a polar bear, but that’s entirely beside the point.

‘I understand you as a person’. Firstly, as opposed to what?, understanding me as a lemon?, a ferret?, a bag of satsumas?. Secondly, I don’t even pretend to understand me, did you know that when I was a kid I pretended to be dyslexic for four years just to see if I could? My imaginary friend was a waterfall called Percy. I thought I could fly until I was twelve. I like fucking Warrant for christsake, and I doubt anyone could come up with a decent explanation for that one.

'So what've you been up to?'
'Oh well [insert name of significant other] has been really busy, his band have a gig this Saturday and he's been practicing every day!'
'Right, but how are you getting on?'
'And great news - he's got a new job, its fabulous, he's on a permanent contract now and everything'
'Oh. Good. But how are YOU?'
'I'm terribly happy, see this bracelet?, he got it for me for my birthday, he's ever so thoughtful like that'
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgggggghhhhhhh'

‘There is nothing about you that I don’t find attractive’. Ha. Hahaha. Seriously, have you seen the size of my ass? did you know I have arthritis?, does the fact that when I smoke too much my lips bleed really get you hard?, cos seriously, you might want to question yourself on that score.

Right, I'm off to bother London for a few days...